I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
