It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
