Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
