I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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