My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
