yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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