It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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