My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
