I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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