The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
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