sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
