I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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