she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
