I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
