My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Randomize
