if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
