I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
