new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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