The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
