My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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