i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
