p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Acid is not a monday night drug
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
