seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
