I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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