i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
