im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
