someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have already put on my inside pants.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
