it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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