Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
