I'm eating all of the evidence.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
