My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
