you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
