I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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