dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
