she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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