You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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