I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
