what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
