my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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