i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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