Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
