Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
