Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
