went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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