at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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