i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
