That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
