did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
