12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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