Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
