I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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